IS YOUR TEENAGER LAZY?

 

WELL, IT'S YOUR FAULT!

Well, probably not - but DO think about these factors:

·       All humans are naturally achievers and therefore motivated.

·       Teenagers may not be motivated by what YOU want or think they should be – which leads to an excellent communication improvement strategy: ASK, DON'T TELL.

·       ASK, DON’T TELL has proven to be a very good strategy to enhance communication with teenagers and greatly diminish arguments.

Very simply, you TELL them nothing. Your only reply is to ASK a question – a simple, low-key information-gathering, NON-sermonizing question, like “that’s interesting. Please tell me more” – or “I’m not sure I understand – please help me to see [or understand].”  

If you argue with them – you’ve lost, even if you think you won.

Don’t ask those questions in rapid-fire fashion – do it gently, slowly, be sincerely interested.

What you will find is greater harmony with your teen, much better understanding of their thinking – and - by using ASK DON’T TELL – if you listen deeply, you will almost always learn more and more about what’s on their mind è what motivates – and de-motivates them!

As noted at the beginning, everyone is motivated – we just need to find out what.

In our work coaching teens toward success, we’ve found that, once they’re focused on THEIR GOAL(S), very often, they quickly find the need to intensify their efforts toward academic performance.

And if you keep telling them the same thing over and over – without the results you want, [great quote I saw on the internet] – “If you keep telling them repeatedly and they don’t do what you want, WHO’S the slow learner?” 

Basic reminder: The best motivation – the strongest – comes from within – inside their hopes, goals, aspirations, not from someone – anyone – trying to motivate them.  Great quote from a championship football coach: “If I have to motivate you, you’re on the wrong team.”

Comments, questions, even disagreements? CoachSteve@Teens2Success.com

How to know if you're a good parent...

Let's start with what any salesperson can tell you – people buy on emotion, not on logic. So, as soon as a discussion with a teenager becomes an argument, emotions overpower logic.  One of the key elements in “best parenting” is NOT TO ARGUE!

There are several absolute fundamentals to be understood and FOLLOW:

1.     Listen! Truly listen! We all know we’re a society who will tell you they’re listening but our brain is actually forming a reply to what's being said. Stop it! Listen!!

One way to accomplish that is to ask a clarifying question or two as you listen - not lecturing, not sermonizing, not instructing - but asking a gently clarifying question!

Then, be prepared with a non-instructional, non-sermonizing follow up question.

Experience has shown that a follow-up question can be the juiciest and most informative one!

If you have accomplished AND USED those elements, you are rocketing toward optimum parenting.

2.     Next is solution-finding – which is only needed when there’s a problem or a disagreement.

STRIVE for CONSENSUS – a solution both of you can comfortably live with. If you haven’t gotten there, keep at it.

NO, you are NOT required nor expected to cave in or acquiesce to anything your child wants – but if you don’t LISTEN, remember – kids learn more from what they see than what they hear. If you don’t listen, you are TEACHING THEM not to listen.

(1)  ASK what solutions your child suggests AND THEN ask (2) what led them to that conclusion, decision or assumption… And again, be prepared with a FOLLOW-UP question – again, not a challenge, an information-gathering query…

Again, LISTEN, strive for CONSENSUS!

3.     Here's a tough one for parents and for most adults: Guide them toward learning – FINDING the answer! Don't tell them the answer as much as you’d like to.  Get in the habit of what we refer to as ASK DON'T TELL. And when you’re talking with a teenager, they have a strong reflex to answer almost every question with: “I don't know.” At which point, you should PAUSE, say nothing - and listen. If no reply, follow up with something like “well, what might you assume or consider or guess?” There's an old expression that’s absolutely true: “Any day that you don't learn something was a wasted day.” That's what you want them to avoid and that's your role and function.

4.     Be acutely aware of how many negatives they hear about themselves – from within their own mind as well as from teachers, parents, coaches, adults!  FIND THE POSITIVE, compliment it – and be specific. Generalities become empty and meaningless very quickly.

5.     VALUE THEM – truly! Pause and remind yourself – they’re flesh of your flesh – a reflection of you, striving to be better each day, needing support, appreciation and to be valued – even if they’re obstreperous that day.

6.     Hug often and long. Research says 90 seconds is optimum. They may fight you – overcome! 

7.     If your child doesn’t know and understand what challenged YOU and challenged YOUR FATHER and YOUR FATHER’S FATHER – as well as their mother, their mother’s mother and their mother’s mother’s mother – and overcame – or didn’t – you missed a great teaching moment.

    Oh, and patience – apply lots and lots of patience! 😊

    If you follow these elements, you will greatly diminish Arguing and become Upset far less frequently.

    If you have questions or comments, please message me at:

    CoachSteve@Teens2Success.com

Parenting a teenager

 

WHY?

Parenting a teenager, no matter how confident and knowledgeable you may be, ALWAYS presents more unexpected hassles and challenges than you EVER anticipated.

I would not dare tell you how to raise a teenager, but I am a former school psychologist as well as many [successful] years’ experience guiding high-achieving businesspeople toward their goals.

As I was an underachieving teenager, with what some might call a ‘soggy fuse’ – it took me a while to ignite. But finally, I did – and here we go:

MOST ALL OF Teens2Success these writings will be DIRECTED TOWARD SUCCESS

But don’t be misled – success as defined by you or your teenager – NOT SOCIETY or FRIENDS or TEACHERS]

 A couple basic premises:

          Change IS possible 

Teenagers go through immense physical, hormonal, cognitive and social evolutions – and parents are often MOST impatient for them to ‘be done with it!’ [aren’t you?]

The good news is that becoming a positive, successful, even happy teenager [human being] is possible – and can even be accelerated and made less confrontational!

• Many people talk about change – FEW of them SUCCEED

97% [ninety seven percent!!!] of people who BEGIN a development program QUIT before they’re done.  There are two main reasons for that:

(a) they set beautiful, lofty goals and become frustrated at lack of progress or SUCCESS too immediately, and

(b) they don’t have the resilience to KEEP TRYING after several or MANY setbacks.

• (a) and (b) above led us to develop the concept of Micro Goals.  A Micro Goal is defined as SMALL enough to be COMPLETED that day. If they don’t complete them, THE GOAL was too BIG! And – to maximize success, no more than TWO each day. Micro Goals, set and achieved DAILY, build and strengthen self-confidence, self-expectation and self-image.  And self-image defines, sets and limits ALL human performance.

As a result of DAILY Micro Goals, a teenager will become better and better at whatever area of success they decide.  [and interestingly enough, they will usually become better or stronger in other areas of life – because they’re mostly all interrelated!]

What about parenting?

Remember the song “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

What we now see all over the internet feels like they threw psychologists and a thesaurus into a large blender and came out with a library of ‘new’ concepts with which to parent!

I’ve read most of them – and most are pretty good … but Oh, the complexity!! ☹

Parenting is not that hard if you stop trying to follow what your parents did or all these ‘experts’. Like it or not, this is a far, far different world than your parents – or their parents!  What I see, think, feel OFTEN – is MANY people’s failure to think with good old fashioned common sense. 

It really boils down to ONLY a few basics:

1. Listen.  According to experts in so many different fields, we are a nation of POOR listeners. MOST of us – in business, social settings and parenting – instead of listening, are planning what we’re going to say next – AT THE EXPENSE of really hearing.
2. ASK – to better understand what you THINK you heard or saw. The more you ask and the less you TELL the better that child or teenager will be able to explain so that everyone understands. BTW – you will also find that this greatly diminishes arguments. If you strive or operate with a drill instructor mindset you are pretty much shackling any kind of innovation and an Innovative thinking. Too – TOO many parents treat their children almost like training a dog.
3. RESPECT - remember they're evolving – a work in progress. They're not perfect yet.  They’re not adults you’re chastising – remind yourself that you love them – even if you don’t, at that moment. 
4. ANTICIPATE, PREDICT, expect what they’ll say or do. Yes, you can. They’ve spent their lives with you.  We are ALL predictable.  You can ‘guess’ 2 or 3 probable replies – AND YOU THEN PREPARE FOR THEM!

Realize that all human behavior – that includes your kids - is intended to achieve a goal, to fulfill a need.  Sometimes that goal is unconscious, even unknown to them. [think about that for a moment – THEY don’t even know why]  You may need to think, ponder, analyze “what’s up?”  and yes, sometimes they may not KNOW or HAVE a better action or behavior in their repertoire .  This is a teaching moment – BEST executed with questions – again, minimize TELLING.

Coach Steve Simons 

Teens2Success!!

CoachSteve@Teens2Success.com

An Intriguing New Study May Provide the Key To Raising a Teen Who Listens

 

An Intriguing New Study May Provide the Key To Raising a Teen Who Listens

 

How can we, as parents, ensure that we're supporting our teen's independence so they'll be more inclined to actually listen when we offer up advice? We turned to the experts for some advice of our own, and here's what they had to say.

Respect their opinions.

Acknowledging and respecting teens' opinions shows that their perspectives are valued - even if they're different from our own, Dr. Deborah Gilman, Owner & Chief Licensed Psychologist at Fox Chapel Psychological Services, tells SheKnows. "For example: Your teen expresses a different political opinion. Instead of dismissing it, engage in a respectful conversation. Say, ‘I appreciate your perspective on this; can you share more about what led you to that conclusion?'"

Create an environment where they can express themselves without judgment.

"Fostering autonomy in teenagers requires a delicate balance between providing them with support and allowing them to have space for independence," says Dr. Caroline Fenkel, Adolescent Mental Health Expert and Chief Clinical Officer at Charlie Health. "One way to do this is to maintain open and non-judgmental communication with them, allowing them to express themselves and share things about their lives with you without fear of criticism." Open and meaningful conversations that allow our teens to feel that their opinions are heard and valued can fortify their sense of self and facilitate critical thinking skills, says Dr. Joel Frank, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Neuropsychologist at Duality Psychological Services. "When a parent or caregiver validates a teenager's feelings and listens to their voice, the teenager is empowered to feel the latitude and power in their lives to foster autonomy."

Choose your words carefully.

Dr. Gilman points out that the way we frame our advice makes all the difference. "When providing advice, frame it as guidance rather than a directive," she suggests. "Instead of saying, ‘You should do this,' try saying, ‘Have you considered this option?' This approach respects their autonomy while offering valuable insights." She recommends asking things like, "What are the pros and cons of each option?" which allows teens to exercise their critical thinking skills.

Include them in the family decision-making process.

Whether it's what to eat for dinner, which house rules to enforce, or where to go on vacation, involving our teen in making decisions for the family lets them feel more in control and responsible - and lets them know their input is valuable.

Provide opportunities for them to demonstrate responsibility and independence. 

Similarly, Dr. Gilman advises giving teens plenty of chances to show us how responsible they can be. "This could involve tasks such as managing their own schedule, handling personal finances, or making decisions about extracurricular activities," she says. A part of this is helping them set realistic goals and encouraging them to take ownership of their aspirations: "If your teen expresses an interest in learning a musical instrument, support them in setting achievable goals. Help them outline steps, such as researching lessons, practicing regularly, and participating in a local music group."

Showing an interest in these preferred activities right alongside them can go even further in helping a teen feel independent, adds Dr. Fenkel. "Showing genuine interest in your teen's passions and hobbies is another way to support their autonomy. Supporting their interests helps build self-esteem and a sense of competence," she says. "This might involve exploring extracurricular activities, hobbies, or academic interests that resonate with them."

There are also ample opportunities for teens to take on some domestic responsibility as well. "Offering teenagers responsibilities around the home, like managing their laundry or cooking a meal, can significantly boost their sense of self-reliance and competence," says Dr. Frank. 

Don't always offer solutions right away.

As parents, our first inclination when something is bothering our kids is to solve it. But sometimes, says Dr. Gilman, it's important to just actively listen. Our willingness to hear them out shows that we think their feelings are valid - and that we trust in their ability to handle them on their own, but we're here to be a support system if needed. If your teen comes home upset after a difficult day, Dr. Gilman says, "Instead of immediately offering solutions, say, ‘I'm here for you. Take your time; when you're ready, I'm all ears.'"

Doing these things isn't going to magically turn our kids into people who actively seek us out for all manner of advice; they're still teenagers, after all, and a hardheaded unwillingness to listen to reason is par for the course some days. But helping a teen to be more independent will do them a world of good in the long run - and now there's evidence that it just might help them recognize their parents' wisdom. At least sometimes.

SAMPLE

 SAMPLE - NEW 

Repetitious Learning is THE ONLY WAY

 

These days, I find myself re-viewing movies I enjoyed the first time and now seeing things I never noticed the first [or second] viewing. 

There are VERY FEW cases of one-trial learning.  One of the exceptions, of course, is the young child burning their hand on a hot stove.  But there are very few instances of that.

I was writing recently about RESILIENCE in teenagers – and made the point that, even with the greatest accomplishments – no one gets it right the first time.

SO – guidance for your teen: remind them that, for most people, they have to go over any new learning again if not several times.

In grad school, there was one 72-page chapter that I knew was crucial to learn and know. I probably re-read that chapter at least a dozen times – despite the fact that my mother told me when I was young that I was very intelligent 😊

So - encourage your teens to VALUE repetitious learning!!

If you have comments or questions, please contact us at CoachSteve@Teens2Success.com

14-YEAR-OLD GIRL MISSING

 

I've often worried and wondered about young people going missing, ‘running away.’ Parenting is hard work – and comes without an instruction manual. But we seem to have a societal trend of telling and telling and telling our kids.  Great quote last year: “if we tell them and tell them and they don’t change, who’s really the slow learner?”

In the last year, I have recommended ASK, DON’T TELL in working with teenagers and their parents.  It seems that kids who ‘run away’ may have been TOLD but simply weren’t listened to – even if they were wrong!  I’m not saying that parents are wrong - just that emotions are not logical or rational, more so with teenagers.

Feels as if running away is a last-ditch effort to be LISTENED TO!!  Be assured that they think their parents are NOT listening!

And if you haven’t seen it yet, when you argue with a young person, you almost never win, even if you did.

With ASK, DON’T TELL, we may be able to improve the relationship that we have at home even if “the kid” is wrong!