SINGLEMOST Important Teen Trait!

 Raise them to be resilient: Wisdom from parents of superstars

Read an article recently by a parent regarding the college admissions scandal – she talked about how hard her mother had worked to afford her college – and how hard this mom is working to get her teen into “a good school.”  SHE COMPLETELY MISSED THE POINT!!

If you read and listen to the FACTS about today’s teen challenges, THE SINGLE most important trait is RESILIENCE and RESOURCEFULNESS.

Helicopter parenting, laissez-faire society, eroding standards in most facets of life, lack of self-discipline, the retired Stanford University dean who said “today’s incoming students are THE WORST ever at self-management.”  THEN, on the news - huge economic downturns, loss of jobs and the now-unemployed “don’t know what to do.”

If you raise your teen to be resilient and resourceful, they will NEVER be at a loss.

HOW TO?  [I’ve said it all before - - ]

·         DO NOT prevent failure. 

·         Encourage and support it – praise it – BUT GROW FROM IT.  Sort of like the movie A League of Their Own, “there’s no crying in baseball.”  Well, you can cry briefly over failure – but, as I learned playing high school football, when you get knocked down, YOU GET BACK UP!

From coaching teens, I see two great sources of these learnings:

·         sports and

·         theater.

Both teach that everyone can’t be a star, life is a team sport, sometimes you’re “only” in the chorus or sitting on the bench.

I have a Mom friend who required her twin sons to be involved in high school sports or they didn’t have their car.  Makes sense!

But let’s go back:

·         when they fail, guide them to their own revelations. 

·         Mine was lack of discipline and total unawareness of goal-setting and self-discipline.

·         As always, ASK, DON’T TELL. The more you tell, the less they think.

·         The more you ASK, the MORE they think!!!

[quote from a sports coaching blog post] -

Win or lose, don't rehash your child's performance right after a match or meet, says DA Franklin.

"After Missy swam as a kid, the only things I would ask were:

'Did you do your best?' and

'Did you have fun?' she says.

"When Missy would say, 'Yep, I had a blast,' that was the end of the discussion.

Her father and I would respond, 'Fantastic! Now let's go get some dinner.'

"I still tell her, 'Have fun!' before every competition."

When your kid is ready to talk about the game -- or anything else -- don't lecture, just listen, says Wanda Durant.

"Kevin [famous NBA basketball player] knew he could talk to me about anything," says Durant, who counseled her son as he agonized over where to sign this summer. "There are still times when he will call and we'll just kind of talk things through."

Raising them to be resilient: Wisdom from parents of superstars

“You didn’t see it coming???”

People’s behavior is highly predictable - simply by observing patterns of behavior – repeated actions.

Once is happenstance, twice – MIGHT be a pattern.  Third recurrence probably shows a pattern.  EXPECT IT TO RECUR.

In these Parents pages are numerous stories of teens doing outlandish, even unnerving or unpleasant  things.

And the frequent pattern is that their parents were COMPLETELY surprised by them.

Any sports fan can tell you that almost anything the opposing team does – was ANTICIPATED by ‘our’ coach.

How is that possible?  They review previous games – to look for PATTERNS – and then they PREPARE for them!!

So what might you, as a parent of a teen [their coach] prepare for?  Following are the usual, frequent issues you may face.  I’d strongly suggest you prepare at least four sequential reactions or strategies if and when these situations occur.  Be prepared!  You may deny that your teen would ever face these issues – and there’s a VERY good chance you’d be WRONG!

·         Drugs?

·         Sex?

·         Drunk or high @ home, school, police station?

·         Grades spiraling downward?

·         Belligerence?

·         Distancing from you – emotionally

·         Depression/ anxiety?

For EACH of them, PRE-PLAN, THINK AHEAD of what you might say or do – four steps is probably good.  PROBABLY best to avoid the usual lecture – they simply zone out the moment they hear that in your voice.  As a general rule, ASK far more than you TELL.

Be as specific and graphic as possible.  Don’t ASSUME they’ll understand exactly what you mean if you use colloquial or conceptual terms.  Use PARAPHRASING      - which is NOT repeating back, but instead using their own words to explain.  When they’ve done that, they will communicate to you EXACTLY what they understood – and what they MISSED – giving you the chance to clarify and reinforce.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE invites if not requires an insightful, meaningful conversation – a dialogue, not a monologue - about these issues BEFOREHAND. That provides much time to hear your teen and let them hear your thoughts on the matter.  If you don’t have these conversations before the situation occurs, be assured, after-the-fact is the WEAKEST possible time.

If you’d like any thoughts in or about these areas, please ask.

GOOD LUCK! 

Attitude is EVERYTHING - - - ?!

That expression is often trite and shallow – but absolutely true. Any athlete, any coach will tell you that it directly CONTROLS performance, having SEEN what a positive or negative attitude can do.

Like so many learnings, it’s usually one of these that people agree with – and then NEVER LIVE!!!

It’s demonstrated in the expression “Fake it ‘til you make it”

Fake it ‘til you make it as almost an Affirmation - a way to re-write the script in our minds.  Often, people miss the point that an affirmation is in the PRESENT tense, not the future. You’re influencing your unconscious mind to live it, as if it already was there.

Key point: how many times has your teen gone to bed last night horribly grumpy or angry – and comes to breakfast happy and upbeat, as if nothing happened!  And in their mind, it probably didn’t!  I had a late mother-in-law, whom I loved, who taught me that you can be angry at someone and still love them [huge revelation to me back then].

Also, if you are positive and upbeat at that following morning, BE ASSURED it will have a positive impact on them!!!!!

It can be a struggle, for sure – but AFFIRM your love and support by and through your attitude, even when your teen is about as a lovable as hugging a cactus!

Of course, this applies to most all situations – simply use your best judgement.

GO FOR IT!!