IT’S SO DIFFERENT!!!

IT’S SO DIFFERENT!!!

Today’s teens live in a different world than their parents.  They have SO many more options and opportunities than we did.  And we certainly wouldn’t want to take those away. HOWEVER, that has led to more time pressures than any other segment of society, probably including mothers of newborns or infants. 

So what can you do, what can they do?

In fact, it presents a great opportunity for two things: (o) thinking, and (o) decision-making.

I saw a great quote: “You can do anything, but you just can’t do everything.”

So encouraging your teen to THINK, weigh the alternatives, look at the upside of choosing one thing and the downside of another is a powerful, adult-like step.

Ask your teen to lay out, list, identify the pro’s and con’s of a choice, [gently] add your own, then discuss.  In most cases, let them make their decision. [DON’T BE A HELICOPTER PARENT – if you do, you’re preventing and preempting their growth.]

And BTW – one of those decisions may be how to manage their time better than before!

There are also a couple things to do after the fact, after the decision:

discuss the choice, what s/he LEARNED from it, how they might approach a similar situation ‘next time.’

I’ve always disliked applying the sports term “sudden death” to our lives.  Except for actual death, almost everything can be re-done. “Oops, missed!  Try again!” [although if you hear your surgeon say that, get up off the operating table and RUN!]

As in EVERY element of life, we make our choices – and our choices make us.  [teach your teen:] DECIDE, LEARN, REFLECT, MOVE AHEAD!

WHAT IS A GENIUS AND HOW DO YOU BUILD ONE?

A genius is someone who sees things that aren't there or don't exist yet and finds a way to get there. And the path that he or she takes is through creativity. Creativity is simply the combining of two or more previously unconnected thoughts. THAT'S ALL GENIUS IS.

Is it heredity or environment? YES - both – but it’s there!!! And it’s in every one of us!

Can it be built? I believe YES.

How? By regularly and frequently asking WHY [or WHY NOT?

President John Kennedy said. "Some men see things that are there and ask why? I see things that aren't there and ask, why not".

Gently, tactfully question [or “challenge”] your teen to constantly question their own beliefs and assumptions. Some will be right and solid, some will be urban myths we’ve been led to believe – which might/ could/ should be challenged, stretched, even discarded.

We are FILLED with examples of wrong assumptions - which, when seriously challenged, were quickly denied, rejected, tossed aside.

Examples: no human could run a mile in under four minutes [Roger Bannister]; catching a football with one hand [Odell Beckham, Jr.]; a woman as a jet fighter pilot - all were negated, ultimately rejected. What’s also interesting is that soon after, MANY people duplicated their feat.

Of course, a ‘real genius’ has qualitatively more capacity to take in, process, challenge and re-combine previously uncombined facts and ideas – but it’s more a question of QUANTITY, NOT QUALITY!! Like the Prego tomato sauce commercial used to say – “it’s in there!” You just have to dig it out, nurture it out!

BTW – done gently, tactfully and persistently, this will also be effective if your teen is a ‘problem’ – unpleasant, unmotivated, unengaged, etc.

THE KEY? Question, challenge, wonder…

“MOM, DAD – LIFE IS NOT THE WAY YOU SAID!

“You said if I worked hard, obeyed the rules, did what was expected of me or what you asked – I would succeed.”

“Well, I did all those things – and I didn’t make the team, I didn’t get the part, I didn’t pass the test, I didn’t get into that college, etc. etc.”

Situations and questions like these are crucial for parents!! They’re a challenge - a true maturational opportunity. Your credibility is on the line – time for you to be more in-depth, honest, supportive and parental than perhaps ever before.

This presents as a foundational BUILDING BLOCK for your teen’s life and future. Your reply will lead to how s/he responds and reacts to LIFE’S setbacks, long after you’re out of the picture. It’s a chance to be more honest and adult-like than perhaps ever before. It’s also a chance to greatly strengthen your future credibility. “Mom, Dad no longer treat me like a child – they talk to me like an adult!”

The MAJOR, MAJOR POINT? It's time to explain

(1) HOW to effectively and positively deal with failure, THEN (2) how to get back up and keep going in a new or different or better direction.

Defeat will be painful for your teen, but the big lessons usually are. Defeat is a GREAT TEACHER – as every high achiever knows.

Please don’t be syrupy idealistic here – be empathetic, reflective, adult-like and constructive.

And when you offer these thoughts and insights, they will be MINIMALLY COMFORTABLE at that moment.

Failure or defeat has many similarities to the process we go through at the death of a loved one:

denial, rejection, bargaining, acceptance.

But a defeat as a teen should be seen as a learning opportunity, not the end of their future or their dream – it’s a valuable STEPPING STONE! And ‘reversing’ their reaction, could be and should be - portrayed as a beautiful lesson! [Boy, is that hard – but true.]

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE – don’t say “everything will be OK” – because it most likely WON’T. But the champions, the winners, ‘the best’ – will learn, internalize and USE this as a chance to reach and become ‘the next level’ they are striving for.

There are several lessons here, to discuss in depth with your teen – and DON’T FORGET TO LISTEN and empathize:

[Ask] “What did you LEARN from this defeat?”

Here are some possibilities:

• There are [often] other people better than you.

• The most talented doesn’t always ‘win.’

• Most (!!!!) great successes come AFTER multiple defeats – YES, MOST!! [we may not see them, but they happened]

• Maybe you were weak at time management, focus, motivation, discipline or something similar.

TWO BIGGIES:

• What do you think?

• What do you think you should next or now?

Treasure and value this as perhaps one of your GREATEST parent-moments. DO IT WELL! 

P6 - - - Proper Prior Preparation Prevents Poor Performance

There’s an old saying 

– P6 - Proper Prior Preparation Prevents Poor Performance.

And of course – that equally applies to Parenting!!

People are predictable – as is your teen.  And the challenges teens present to their parents have been around for centuries – sometimes “clothed” differently – but the same ones.  Even Jesus wise-mouthed off to his mother!

So which ones will you prepare for?  I once taught a communications class in which I said “there are about three answers to just about any question you might ask.  Which one would you prepare for?”  [to me the answer was obvious: ALL of them!]  I actually had an engineer in the class who was trying to calculate which one to prepare for!!

The point?  Take the time to read about the usual and typical teen challenges  – especially on these posts:

·        foresee the problems,

·        plan your reply in advance. 

·        BETTER YET – why not prepare Preventatively?!!

One more thing: if what you’re doing isn’t working – DON’T KEEP DOING IT!  Find a different approach or strategy.  And – no fair trading in your teen for a different model!

 

GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS!? [Success, Happiness]

I saw many very good, insightful replies to my recent SUCCESS/HAPPINESS question!

Having studied and questioned this for many years, here’s the inside insight:

Success and happiness are NOT the same thing! However, be assured – they are inextricably intertwined!!

Here’s how: happiness is NOT sitting around, doing nothing or wallowing in the fruits of your labors.
But success leads to happiness, i.e., self-satisfaction, feeling of accomplishment, pride of performance, etc. – and BUILDS self-image… And self-image defines OR limits all human performance.

Success ‘breeds’ happiness – and non-success breeds UNhappiness.

Strive to find something today your teen does – of value – and compliment them and that action. No need to get overly effusive or flowery – just an [almost] non-emotional comment.

That compliment – even if they [temporarily] “don’t like you” will still have positive impact and strengthen their success journey!😊

GREAT QUESTION !!!

[will enhance SELF-PRIDE]

Ask your teen – periodically, as often as you’d like:

“WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY THAT YOU’RE PROUD OF?”

[grammatically, it’s properly phrased “of which you’re proud” – but that sounds pompous]

Of course, the first time, you’re almost guaranteed that you’ll get a wise guy answer, an attempt at humor or derisiveness. 

STAY AT IT, without emotion. 

By the second or 3^rd or 4^th attempt, s/he will begin to reply with some degree of seriousness. 

Soon, they will begin to reply seriously, with probable PRIDE in their answer.

BTW – pride is a powerful, powerful thing.  Don’t discount it, even if you get wise guy answers. 

AS ALWAYS, be prepared with a sincere, sometimes/ almost complimentary follow-up.  I have no research – but I’m betting you will see strengthened self-esteem and even motivation!