Sound a bit odd? Not if you start by recognizing that
all human behavior is successful – at living out that unconscious script in our
heads. Your teenager’s actions telegraph
or transmit what’s going on in their self-expectations EVERY DAY.
If s/he tells you - “I didn’t get to it…” - and the task was important
– to you or him/her, and s/he tries to explain it away with an empty excuse,
there are a limited number of explanations: (a) … didn’t believe s/he needed to
do it; (b) … didn’t believe it was ‘worth doing’ (c) subconsciously or not, is
avoiding or rebelling against it
– for one of the following reasons: (1) rebelling against one or both parents,
or (2) against an authority figure, i.e., teacher or other, or (3) against
himself/herself: doesn’t think s/he is WORTHY of or CAPABLE of it.
Number
3 is the big one!!! All human performance is
dictated and defined by self-perception – it’s ALL-CONTROLLING! Hence, this becomes an important area to
explore. Ask exploratory, tentative
questions, not accusatory. I have used
this more than once with students I coach – and they found these questions –
and their self-reflection – quite interesting and meaningful. The next stage – evoking some movement or
progress – is now easier. But, since
it’s probably an unconscious process, you need to support them in a positive
way, using all those skills you’ve learned about positive reinforcement,
successive approximations and ‘catch them being good.’
If you do
one thing as a parent (I’d expect you do a lot more!) – build self-image. But do it with specifics, not
generalities. Research tells us that the
same generality used repeatedly becomes useless.
And one
more thing – pretty closely related to what I just said: MOST parents have told
their kids at least once – “you can achieve anything you set your mind
to.” But when they do or think they do –
and don’t succeed, they probably don’t know what else to do. “Work harder” is exactly equivalent to the
generalities referenced above: semi-worthless.
Instead, work with him/her, break tasks into smaller chunks or blocks, gently
remind them of the task and deadline for completion - and if a further setback
or defeat occurs, discuss what LESSONS were learned. Failure is a lesson waiting to be taught.
In our next
post, we’ll get into more specifics and live examples. If you have specific issues you’d like
addressed, please let me know!
Steve Simons, Launch-Your-Life.com
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