LET'S TALK TEEN SUICIDE

Yeah, I know- "it won't happen to my teen" - same thing I said.

BUT IT DID. She took her own life.

 If there’s one thing we should learn from this teen world today – they do things completely unexpected, illogical, non-logical and unanticipated.

 We see more and more and more media reports about teen suicide.  It happens for several reasons – some legitimate, some hyper-inflated.

 But let's talk prevention.

 The most important thing to know is YOU DON’T KNOW!

 YEARS of research says, “there are always signs.” 

And yet, there are MANY reports of teens who have great relationships wit their parents, family, school, good friends, community and on and on – real contributors, etc.

And all of a sudden, they end it.

 This problem will never have a perfect solution – but here’s a starting point:

LISTEN.  Listen, listen, listen, listen!! Stop telling.

 ASK, DON’T TELL – stop telling, sermonizing, correcting, etc.  The split-second you lapse into that tone of voice, your teen zones out.

That’s not what a possibly emotionally illogical person needs!

 Let’s recall: emotions are beyond logic. 

You realized that years ago when you fell in love with the wrong person.

In sales, people buy on emotion, not on logic.

The golden door into a teen will always be LISTENING.

 Stop refuting their logic or their feelings!

Recognize, accept, VALIDATE every feeling they share and then ASK ABOUT IT.

ASK, DON'T TELL!

“tell me more”

“tell me about that”

“please tell me what made [makes] you think that]

“help me to better understand”

DO NOT LAPSE INTO CORRECTING THEIR THINKING.

 ASK, DON’T TELL has been our philosophy for several years and it has drawn out amazing results and information the parent wouldn’t have had if they immediately knee-jerk-reflexed into arguing.

 As adults, as parents we are constantly attempting to tell or teach or instruct our teenagers – EVEN THOUGH they’re at an age when [we hope] they’ve begun to develop a mind of their own.

Let's respect that! Let's listen and listen and listen deeper.

As said previously, listening is the greatest gift you can give.

 After my daughter died, I spent many hours reflecting, wondering, searching.  She was surrounded by loving family and even professional services. 

I am fully aware that this isn’t practically possible, but I came to the belief that the only real solution was to literally hold her hands 24-7.

 To summarize:

·       LISTEN, deeply.

·       Ask gentle, non-invasive follow-up questions.

·       Validate feelings they express even if they make no sense to you or are totally opposite of “the reality” you see.

·       Watch for signs – changes in behavior or patterns.

·       Love them deeply and remind them often.

THE NEW PARENTING

THE NEW PARENTING   [reduce your stress and theirs!!]

Almost no one could have predicted the rocket-like changes in our society.  And to be absolutely sure, parenting MUST ADAPT.

When I was a school psychologist MANY years ago, we told parents that by about the age of 12, they had lost real control of their kids.  Fast forward 20+ years – that loss of real control is far greater.

So what can a ‘modern’ parent do?  Here are four adaptations or adjustments to parenting - not huge changes, more like adjusting your grip on a golf club or using a Cuisinart rather than an electric mixer.

1.     Listen first, really listen. In 7 Habits of Successful People, Steven Covey said “listen first to understand, then to be understood.”  As a society [probably including you] we are busy form our reply when we should be listening intently.  Listening, according to one writer, is the greatest human compliment.

·       You will also find that by listening first, the level and intensity or arguments will lessen.

·       Listening shows respect.

·       As with each of these steps, CHANGE WILL BE HARD. You’ll make a commitment – then forget.  Not a huge problem – just reminding yourself that you’re human – and commit to doing “it” differently the next time.

 

2.     The next logical step is one we’ve used with much success: ASK, DON’T TELL. 

·       After you’ve LISTENED, ask a follow-up, non-confrontational information-gathering question [è usually TWO follow-up questions…] 

·       In delivering sales training a few years back, I did an entire sales presentation asking only questions.  I never made a declarative statement.  It takes preparation!

·       One frequent teenage reply to a question is “I don’t know” – and much of the time, that will be true!  They just didn’t think – they just acted!  So, this becomes you chance to GENTLY ask “How do you think you might react the next time this happens?”

o   Have 2 or 3 or 4 prepared follow-up questions in your mind:

§  “how do you think that went?” 

§  “what could you do differently or better the next time?”

§  “what did you hope or think the outcome or result would be?”

§  PREPARE ANOTHER 1 or 2 OF YOUR OWN

·       If you approach this properly, you can build an even better/ stronger relationship with your teen – non-confrontational, solution-finding

·       Socrates [remember him?] – used his Socratic method – questioning, leading students to their own revelations about their world, people, science, etc.

·       You should also be thinking within and about ‘Discovery learning’ – which every kindergarten teacher uses to lead a student to reveal THEIR OWN answer to a question or a problem.  It also enables far greater retention and even self-satisfaction – which we can easily call self-growth!!

 

3.     Be a coach, not a drill sergeant

·       Every time you speak harshly and forcefully – without improvement suggestions, you will change NOTHING. The more you TELL and demand, the less of a THINKING teenager you’re building.

·       If you notice, the best coaches – in sports, life, debate club, dramatics – don’t confront nor lecture - they TEACH and question and SHOW HOW.

·       Coaching involves but is not just teaching.  It’s also supporting, encouraging, injecting some renewed motivation!

 

4.     Lastly, QUESTION your expectation for this teen - your goals and hopes [and, in #3 above, did you encourage teach and support, or just assume they’d be as perfect as you were?].

·       Do you want a clone of you – or do you just assume because they have your ‘seed’, they’ll just be like you?  Do you want them to be their own person?

·       At the other extreme – in a brief survey last year, a very large number of parents “just wanted their teen to be happy.”  That was an empty, meaningless reply.  It hugely omits a parent’s role to share their wisdom and insight and valuable experiences with their own teen!

·       You also have a very important role in teaching values for your teen – which you will do by word AND BY DEED.

·       If you show laziness or constant tiredness or taking the easy way out, what could they learn?  And if you feel any guilt here, let it pass and become more of the parent they need.

 

And with each one of these steps, LISTEN, OBSERVE, offer constructive feedback as they evolve.  You will one day be proud of “what you built.”

If you have questions or would like more information, please email – CoachSteve@Launch-Your-Life.com