THOUGHTFUL, INSIGHTFUL PARENTING

 Parenting is not an automatic, knee-jerk response.  NO ONE just knows it.  It’s not inherited nor pre-printed in your brain in the parents book of know-how!

Chances are that you’re parenting exactly as your parents did – or exactly the opposite!!

The world has changed IMMENSELY in the last 5 years, let alone 10 or 15 – when your teen was born.

And by today, your kids and their world and their chances to do incredible things HAVE CHANGED!!

So your plan of action must change also!!!!

First rule:

THINK

– which presupposes that you PAUSE, and think

– don’t make it a knee-jerk reaction.

[Consider] - ‘Why did my teen do that or say that?’

All human behavior is successful [purposeful].  [Many people will disagree. They’re wrong]

There’s some gain, or self-image preservation that a teen “accomplishes” by their actions.

Example: If they don’t know how to do something and don’t want to admit it, avoiding it preserves their shaky self-image. 

I’m sure you can see lots of other self-image protections in your teen’s actions – whether they’re belligerent or unkind or avoidant - those are self-image protections!!

Many years ago, I observed gifted kids who were academically strong and therefore had never been challenged in school/ classes.  When they finally were, typically in college, they were emotionally defenseless – they had no strategy no mental resource available!  It had never been developed!  They simply didn’t know what to do – and their self-image was “under attack!”  

So if your teen becomes defensive or belligerent or avoids doing something needed or requested or explained, this is a great time to [pause, think], then follow our ASK, DON’T TELL strategy.

ASK, DON’T TELL means stop telling, reverse your paradigm, and begin gently asking clarifying questions.

Teens are TIRED of being TOLD.  So by shifting to an ASKING, information-seeking mode, not sermonizing or “teaching” – you’ll get further AND strengthen your relationship!

BTW – Discovery learning – leading them to their own revelations – is THE most powerful means of learning!

SO – was there information here you can use?     When?

Got your information-seeking, non-accusatory questions?  Prior thought and preparation is what makes anyone a champion!! 

 

TO LABEL IT IS TO KNOW IT!?

 There’s been an alarming proliferation of categories to explain or define emotional and cognitive abnormalities over the years: learning disability, dyslexia, cognitive impairment, from “autistic” evolved to the autism spectrum as well as ADHD, ADD, executive function impairment, 2e [twice exceptional] – and more.

Two concerns:

(1) all of a sudden, with this diagnosis, many parents feel a huge burden has been lifted from them. “Now, we know what it is!” – and they’re relieved!

(2) but the name, the labeling doesn’t actually do much of anything!

I once sat in a multi-disciplinary meeting at which the neurologist [a required medical professional by law, back them] – told us the student did or did not have ‘frank brain damage’ – I don’t remember which BECAUSE it didn’t matter!  No matter what he found, we still had the same student and deficiencies or conditions to remediate!!!

For me, that was a life lesson - which I’ve come back to, countless times. The key point, whether the student has ADHD, dyslexia, executive function problems, etc. – we’re NOT going to throw him/her away – we’re going to work with them, develop them!!!

These conditions can often be treated by and with drugs.  However, in the long run, most people – parents and student – want to wean off them.

I have worked with enough teens to know that most of them recognize that they themselves need to learn coping mechanisms and processes to succeed with life without medication.

And yes, it can be done.  There are, of course, some who will need medication for life.

One “can’t be changed or fixed” example: many people believe that a reading disability [dyslexia, if you must] is a permanent condition.  And yet – if you read the results Dr. Peter Gray found in surveying students who left school and went home to learn, in a fairly brief period of time, they were reading well!!  Seemingly, it was the pressures of school that “disabled them.”

Most often, we can provide and develop coping strategies. I see many workshops now being offered to ameliorate these cognitive and or emotional shortcomings.  I couldn’t and wouldn’t negate those workshops in any way. But… read on - - - -

The most straightforward strategy is to (1) identify the needed or desired behavior(s) – lack of focus, lack of self-discipline, attention deficits, etc., then, with a cooperative student, work toward the new/ desired behavior with a positively stated goal – not a “don’t do that” goal.

It’s FAR easier to move TOWARD a new, desired behavior than AWAY FROM an unwanted or undesirable one.  We need to identify a new, DESIRED behavior – which will simply ‘overlay’ on top of the unwanted behavior - using the old but still valid model of successive approximations. [Frankly, this will work even with an uncooperative teen – but must be done subtly!]

Step by step approximations of the desired behavior are rewarded or reinforced as the student moves or acts, small step by small step, closer and closer to the desired end result.

Done repeatedly, this process will instill the new, desired habit or behavior.  And with recent research, we now know that it takes [approximately] 66 days to install a new habit.

FYI – neurolinguistic programming proponents contend that everything we’ve ever experienced is in our brain!  And I tend to agree.  So overlaying the new behavior overrides the unwanted one.  Might there be a relapse?  Absolutely.  “Rinse and repeat.”

There are said to be four stages of learning.  The goal here is to internalize or habituate these behaviors to the fourth stage: Unconscious Knowing – but realize, to get there, they need to move through the previous three stages.

Four Stages of Learning

1.       UNconscious UNknowing – don’t know what you don’t know

2.       Conscious UNknowing – you know that you don’t know

3.       Conscious Knowing – you know and, with conscious effort, can do…

4.       UNconscious Knowing – you do, simply by habit – literally without thinking

This is NOT a quick fix – but interestingly, all these repeated reinforcements can also only have a positive impact on the student’s self-esteem - - - and that’s your main job to nurture as a parent!

With these thoughts, go forth, and may the force be with you – and please report back on your results!